Perfect Timing

Brooklyn was a little off kilter. She was kind of cranky; a little morose; not herself. She just wanted to lay on the couch with her blanket or be held.

Generally, I try to keep the kids out of my office during traditional work hours, but Brookie was so docile that I let her stay in a sitting hug position on my lap while I worked. Then a meeting reminder popped up alerting me to my weekly touch-base meeting with my boss in 15 minutes. Brooklyn didn't want to leave and seemed to be nearly asleep. Since she was being so quiet and well behaved, I decided to let her stay. I explained that she needed to be extra quiet while I was on the phone with my boss, and that if she couldn't do that I would have to lock her out of my office.

She promised to be good.

And she was so good. She was so good I barely remembered she was even there. I had a good meeting. When it was over I thought Brooklyn must have fallen asleep, so I gently rubbed her back and softly asked if she was awake. She was. 

She pulled her head away from my shoulder, "Daddy, my tummy hurts."

"Does it feel like you need to go to the bathroom? Or do you feel like you're going to throw..."

Too late.

She got me. No point in trying to keep it from getting on me now. I was a human shield. I couldn't exactly stand up at this point to take her into the bathroom without dramatically increasing the risk of spilling the spew on the carpet, so I decided to board up and wait it out.

I repositioned Brookie slightly on my lap to form sort of a bowl/cup shape with our bodies to try to contain everything between us and not on my computer or the carpet. The idea worked surprisingly well. She erupted several more times, claiming to feel all better after each.

Finally she was empty. But I was then in an even worse position. I called out to Madison to bring me some towels. She, of course, first wanted to know why I needed them, then set out to locate the towel in the house that was furthest away from her.

I mopped up the mess in our laps and tossed our yucky clothes into the wash, then we both took quick showers to clean up.

I guess I just feel lucky that Brooklyn didn't explode five minutes sooner while I was still in my meeting. That would have been awkward. More so than being barfed on repeatedly.

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That Phone Call - Fraud Protection

Not sure what to make of this one. I think it may be a case of mistaken identity.

-----

Caller: Hi, my name is Laura. I'm calling from the Bank of America Fraud Protection department. Don't worry, there is nothing wrong with any of your accounts.

Ducheznee: Hi Laura. I'm not worried.

Laura: Is this Mr. [my name]?

Ducheznee: This is he.

Laura: I'm calling to discuss one of our security products that I think you will find quite interesting. Is this a good time?

Ducheznee: Yes, it is. What would you like to talk about?

Laura: [Laura proceeds to describe the same "protect your accounts" monthly service fee program that is advertised in every credit card statement and every bank statement that passes through the US Postal Service.]  So you receive all of that plus free credit report monitoring all for $7.95 a month.

Ducheznee: That program sounds fairly common. I've seen advertisement for something very similar from my credit card company and from my bank. Assuming I were interested, how would I proceed from this point.

Laura: Oh, we'll just deduct the cost of the program from your checking account each month.

Ducheznee: Really? And how do you intend to do that?

Laura: It will be an electronic transaction.

Ducheznee: I'm sorry. I mean, how do you intend to gain access to my accounts?

Laura: Oh, we already have a record of all of your accounts.

Ducheznee: You do? You have access to all of my accounts at [XYZ] Bank?

Laura: No, just your Bank of America accounts.

Ducheznee: I don't have any accounts with Bank of America.

Laura: That's odd. But you are Mr. [me] at [my phone number]?

Ducheznee: That's me. I haven't had an account at Bank of America for at least 15 years.

Laura: So your phone number is [my phone number]?

Ducheznee: That is the number you just dialed to reach me.

Laura: And you are Mr. [my name]?

Ducheznee: Yes, I am. Is it possible that you may be looking for another Mr. [my name] and somehow, some computer has linked in my phone number?

Laura: And you're positive you don't have any accounts with Bank of America? Maybe a mortgage?

Ducheznee: I used to have a checking and savings account at Bank of America, but closed them when your company tried to strong arm the Boy Scouts of America and force them to have gay scoutmasters as role models for young boys learning to become men.

Laura: I'm sorry. I'm not sure why your name and phone number are in our database if you don't have any accounts with us. I apologize for the interruption.

Ducheznee: No problem at all. Have a good day.

-----

Everyone is entitled to receive one free copy of their credit report annually from each of the three credit reporting agencies. There are many web sites out that use similar language in an attempt to trick you into using their paid service. Don't be fooled. The Federal Trade Commission endorses only www.annualcreditreport.com. There is no cost for this. If you're asked to pay anything, you're on the wrong web site.

There is also a company [link to be included later if I can track it down] that nationally syndicated radio talk show host Lars Larson endorses. They charge a one-time fee of $5.00 to do the same thing mentioned above. I have not yet checked them out, but I respect and trust Mr. Larson's endorsement. I do intend to research the company in question when I have some time.

That Phone Call - Extra Cash Insurance

I kept getting phone calls from a 888-665-9900. I'd always answer and there was never a response. Then the caller would hang up. A recent call came on a Saturday morning. Again, no answer. Since it was a toll-free number, I immediately called them back.

I listened to a voicemail message that apologized for my inconvenience, but that they were closed for the weekend. I needed to call back on Monday. I found it odd that they could call me when they are not working, but I couldn't call them. Someone must have left the computer auto-dialer on over the weekend.

They called again on a weekday afternoon. I answered and was surprised when a human actually responded. The sound on the other end of the phone was akin to what you might expect on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. It was EXTREMELY loud which made if very difficult to hear the young lady who was calling.

She asked for someone by name - someone with a name different from my own. From past experience, I knew that if I simply said there was nobody by that name here, that they would presume I had misled them and continue calling with the hopes of reaching their man.

Ducheznee: "What can I do for you?"

Caller: "This is Lisa hfkjf from dfkljas kldjhfs INSURANCE adjfdskl lkjdflka;sdj."

Ducheznee: "I'm having trouble understanding you. There is a lot of background noise."

Lisa: "Okay, I'll call back later."

Ducheznee: "NOoooooooo! [I couldn't let them go now that I'd finally reached a live person.] Did you say something about 'insurance'?"

Lisa: "No, I didn't."

Ducheznee: "I'm sorry. Could you tell me what you're calling about one more time?"

Lisa: "Extra cash jfahskdkjjhdf djfskl dfklsj policy."

Ducheznee: "Extra cash policy?"

Lisa: "Yes"

Ducheznee: "What is an extra cash policy?"

Lisa: "Insurance."

Ducheznee: "I thought I heard you say 'insurance'. So it's an extra cash insurance policy?"

Lisa: "Yes."

Ducheznee: "What does that mean?"

Lisa: yada yada yada

This sounds like an Aflac commercial.

Lisa: yada yada "and if you'll just hold on for a moment I'll transfer you to a new account representative who can get you all set up."

Ducheznee: "Actually, I don't think I'm interested. But thank you for telling me about it."

Lisa: "It is impossible to understand over the telephone. It will just take 30 seconds and we can get your address to send you more information."

Ducheznee: "Well, this sounds exactly like Aflac, so I don't really need your products."

Lisa: [pause] "And, you have Aflac?" (I don't, but I can't tell her that or she'll never hang up.)

Ducheznee: [Diversion - Restating some parts of what I could make out from earlier] "Your policies would provide me with $200/day in cash for each day I'm unable to work, right?

Lisa: "$200 per month."

Ducheznee: "Oh, well then I guess that is not the same as Aflac. They pay a daily benefit for covered claims."

Lisa: [Raises the white flag; there are much easier fish to fry] "jfkjshdklj kljhklsjdf kljkl fjkljkj fklj fsjdf klsjdlfksjdfslfdjl skdjflkjlkfsdkjflj"

[I can't hear a single word, but I think she is wrapping up the call] 

Ducheznee: "Alright. Thank you."

[She hangs up.]

Now my phone number has been marked as a dead end in their system and I haven't heard from them since. 

Memoirs of Customer Service - The Doctor

We got a bill on Monday from the hospital where Karsten was born. Karsten is nearly 14 months old.

On two prior occasions we have received afterthought bills from the hospital, although it has been several months since the last occurrence. Each one makes me a little more upset. I mean, the grocery store doesn't send me a bill after the fact stating that my milk actually cost more than they had originally charged.

So, I got on the speaking telegraph and rang the number printed on the statement - the one that said, "For any questions, call...". This is where our story begins.

Call #1 - "Tom" at the phone number listed on the bill tells me that the service is not covered by our insurance company. "What service?" I ask, "Delivering babies?" Tom explains that the service provided was routine, which is part of preventive care, which is not covered. Tom suggests I take up the issue with my insurance company. I say, "My kid is 14 months old. When can I expect to stop receiving bills?" Tom reveals that the charge is in fact not for Karsten's birth, but for Sara's annual girlie doctor visit - from more than a year ago. 

Why am I just now seeing this bill? No - that's beside the point. Why is the hospital billing me for services provided by a different legal entity? Why has Sara's doctor failed, yet again, to submit the proper procedure code to my insurance company? Both good questions. I suggest that the wrong procedure code may have been used. Tom transfers me to our Account Representative, "Tasha".

Call #2 - After explaining everything again to Tasha, she recommends I call the doctor's group practice. She can't change the billing code herself.

Call #3 - I broke ranks here and called my insurance company in order to gather facts and build my case. Low and behold, I was right. The doctor used the improper procedure code. This is not the first time we've had this problem.

Call #4 - Group practice. The receptionist tells me that Sara's doctor is no longer with that practice. She has ventured out on her own. In any case, I'll need to speak with "billing" and she transfers me to option #3.

Call #5 - Billing is gone for the day. It's 3 PM. Why was I transferred there? I back out of the voicemail menu and speak with a nurse at option #4. The nurse confirms that I'll need to speak with the people at option #3. Tomorrow.

Call #6 - Starting over, I explain the situation to billing. She can't find my wife's file. I provide Sara's social security number. Nope. Date of birth - nuh-uh. "Let me transfer you to Judy. She handles these things." I apologize for being crass.

Call #7 - Same as Call #6, but with some additional questions: "Did you two just recently get married?" - thinking perhaps they might have Sara listed under a different surname. Judy then asked for the date of service. "Oh, I think [the doctor] had left the practice by that time. We don't have any records for you after January [of 2008]. You need to call her new practice at..."

Call #8 - New practice reception. "Hi. My wife is a patient of Dr. X. I'm trying to resolve a billing issue." I'm transferred to "billing".

Call #9 - "Hi. Is this the billing department?" I ask. "Yes it is." "Finally! My wife is a patient of Dr. X from her previous office..." I begin. "One moment." I'm transferred into the matrix.

Call #10 - "Hello. You have reached Bonnie in billing. I am unable..." I leave a detailed message.

Call #11 - Bonnie calls me back. We start at the beginning. She cannot locate any information about any patient prior to April [of 2008]. She says she will talk to Dr. X and call me back before the day is out.

Call #12 - Bonnie calls me back again. Dr. X said she can't help me. I'll have to call her old group practice. I've had it.

Call #13 - LAST CALL. I call Tom back using the phone number on the bill. He once again tells me that the service is not covered by my insurance policy. I suggest to Tom that he may be mistaken. I tell him I have confirmed with my insurer that the service is indeed covered. I explain that the improper procedure code was submitted by Dr. X. I tell Tom that I have spoken not only with him, the account rep, and my insurer, but also with numerous representatives from both Dr. X's old and new practices. Nobody knows anything about the charge except for Tom and Tasha. Sara's appointment has apparently disappeared within a blip in the space-time continuum. As such, I tell Tom, regardless of the procedure code, I shouldn't have to pay for services that never occurred in the history of all time. Tom tells me to disregard the bill. He and the account rep will attempt to get the procedure code corrected and resubmitted to my insurance company.

The peasants rejoice.

That Phone Call

I got that phone call again today...

Computer: Do not be alarmed. There is nothing wrong with your account. However, this is this is your last chance to take advantage of lower interest rates on your credit card. This will be your final notification. Press "1" now to speak with an account representative.

(I press "1")

Person: Are you calling about our lower interest rate offer?

Me: No, I'm actually not calling. You called me about my account. Which account are you referring to?

Person: So you are not calling about a lower interest rate on your account?

Me: Which account?

Person: On your credit card.

Me: Oh, are you my credit card company? Which one are you?

Person: Huh?

Me: What is the name of your company?

Person: We're offering a better interest rate on your credit card.

Me: Great, what interest rate are you offering me?

Person: Well, first I'll need to get some information from you. Let's start with your name.

Me: Oh, I'm not going to give you any information.

Person: Sir, I will need to ask you some questions to complete your application.

Me: What application?

Person: For your lower interest rate.

Me: I'm not applying for anything. You're either offering me a lower rate or you're not. 

Person: Sir, I don't understand why you called us if you don't want to fill out an application by phone.

Me: I didn't call you. You called me.

Person: Sir, I'm afraid I can't process your application unless you can provide me with some information about you.

Me: Excellent! The computer that called me said this was my final notification.

Person: Yes, sir.

Me: Do you promise?

Person: Uhhhh, yes, sir.

Me: Good. Because that's the same thing it said last week and the week before. I'm glad this will be the last call.

Person: I do apologize for that.

Me: Thank you very much. I'll talk to you next week. Bye.

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It's not so much that I mind the phonecalls - I actually will talk to everyone that calls (surveys, market research, political polls, policeman's ball fundraisers, etc.) - it is the shadiness of this particular operation. I do not like that they purport to be one of my financial institutions. I do not like that they ask for sensitive information over they phone on a call they initiate. I do not like that claim each call will be the last, yet continue to call back. I do not like that the humans I get transferred to have such poor command of the English language (though many are native speakers; I deliberately made the phone rep above speak very politely and properly so the phonetic interpretation of the conversation did not distract from the content.)

I used to simply hang up. Now I try to waste as much of their time as possible so they don't bother you.